June 2012
14 posts
“Life boils down to two opposing things. Never be afraid not to give a fuck, be...”
– —sba
May 2012
50 posts
New song, "Sorry", on my Soundcloud account →
Another raw, live recording done on my iPod. Very languid. Sitting on the porch at 5:30 am with your last tumbler of whiskey watching the sun come over the mountains languid…
“I am on Soundcloud
http://soundcloud.com/aka-z”
– —sba
“Orgasms are easy, intimacy is not”
– —SBA
WatchBeach Boys on Jimmy Fallon performing “That’s Why God Made the Radio” This video is kind of David Lynchian to be, a sad version of David Lynch. Brian Wilson appears semi-catatonic sitting behind a keyboard he is not playing. Al Jardine looks older than agriculture, and Mike Love squints as if calculating how much money he will make off the reunion. Plus, this song is dire,...
Stars—Raw live recording done on my iPod....
Irish Skin (live)—Recorded live on my iPod....
Scene from a BBQ
My friends invited me out for a BBQ. They live in a newer housing development on the edge of a small town maybe thirty miles from here. Everyone else has their own house and jobs; they can go on vacations and buy “toys” and have recreational activities. I am sitting there listening and it would have been very easy to feel like a complete and utter failure. ”So, what do you...
“I would like to show my appreciation for the men and women in the service, past...”
– —sba
Nearly June? Ah, fuck it, get on with it ;-)
This is the requisite vomiting of the potentially boring but potentially interesting details of my life.
I am still in Lodi and living with my mother. Looking for work, struggling to contain my feelings for a friend of mine, the usual.
I am driving my ex-wife’s 25 year old BMW since she is in Kansas City. It has an overheating problem so I’m stuck round Lodi til I get it fixed.
...
Stars
The woods seem cold and dark tonight
But the stars are bright
And you don’t want to go
Back to the place that doesn’t feel like home
I think we’re lost
No idea where we are
It’s 3 AM and you’re crying and there’s nothing I can do
I know it doesn’t matter
I’d fall off the edge of the world for you
The moon lights your driveway like a stage
...
My guts are in knots, have no idea if she read my...
I sent my friend the email I mentioned earlier Friday night. I just wonder if she’s read it. I am scared of losing her as a friend, but I also know I had to be totally honest with her.
The funny thing is she is a Pisces just like Monica. Why do I continue to fall for these Pisces I shouldn’t fall for. Stupid stupid stupid. But, she may decide that she wants nothing to do with me...
Episode 3216 in which I confess to someone...
I sent an email to a female friend of mine last night. It was a hard email to write and harder to send, but I felt it had to be done. We’re buddies, we hang out, we have a good time. I have had feelings for her—(awful, dull term but it fits)—for over a year. She is separated from her husband and is looking to have a good time, meet guys etc. I am not her type, we have...
Any advice on promoting blogs?
I haven’t a clue…
“It’s not easy being a shameless exhibitionist with a secret blog. I have...”
– —sba
I Don’t Exist (1996). BACK BEFORE I...
Low-Die the mini-series--Chapter Seven
PART SEVEN: THE REQUISITE MARY JANE AND HIP HOP PICNIC
Yesterday. Back to the nature preserve. I am pretty much going there exclusively now. Why? One—the shade. Two—cute women. Sorry, I’m a guy, there’s no getting around that.
There is a road surrounding Lodi Lake. Off that is a weird little redheaded stepchild of a driveway leading down to the nature preserve that ends in a ten space...
I am utterly useless at picking up women
I have no idea where to go or whatever you do. Friends of friends? There aren’t any, at least none looking for a guy like me with whatever good/bad/indifferent qualities I possess. I don’t really have the money to go out and I am terrible at talking to women in bars or wherever anyway. I just get overly shy and consequently awkward. I am just utterly useless at picking up women....
Low-Die the mini-series--Chapter Six
PART SIX: LOW-DIE SATURDAY, CAN I TYPE THIS DRUNK?
OK, if this turns out good please adore me because I am quite drunk at the moment. It has been one of those days. Are you comfortable? Can I get you a pillow, mon ami? Alright, here we go.
I needed to open an account at the local credit union. I drove over, got in the requisite line and waited as we have all waited in such lines. A young...
“Making love properly is a weird blend of selflessness and selfishness”
– —sba
Low-die the mini-series--Chapter Five
PART FIVE: CAINT GIT N THA DRIVEWAY BLUEZ
Twilight. Sipping red wine and looking out my bedroom window. Down the street someone is attempting to back into their drive with their enormo-truck. It’s one of those crew cab ones with shiny rims that has been raised a few inches. The challenge is, this neighbor already has an enormo-truck in their driveway—and the neighbor across from them has...
Afar
When you’re cradling an explosion
The last thing you want is fire
So I keep silent when I have the notion
That I want to make you hum like a wire
Tuned in deep to a station
Keeping secrets in the darkness
Bringing out a slow smoldering chaos
Like a sweet eruptive madness
Your kisses are like hints
Of a world past a door I’d like to kick ajar
Despite my knowledge of the...
“That night, if I had known you wouldn’t have remembered anything, I would...”
– —sba
“Believing in alternative energy and mass transit doesn’t make you a hippy....”
– sba
“It wasn’t lazy people who don’t want to work or illegal aliens or...”
– —sba
“If I have to choose between arrogance and death, I’ll pick arrogance. If...”
– —sba
Autumn (2000)—PLEASE IGNORE THE SINGING ;-)...
The ongoing battle between my heart and my brain
I know some of you can relate to this. Part of me is cold and logical, can just look at things without emotion. I make lists and complete them. I hold my tongue, I can be a very sane, very “together” person.
But I am also very hot-blooded and emotional. If I care for people, if I really allow myself to care for them and have feelings for them, it can be intense. But fortunately...
I have a top secret blog
About sex, attraction, love, lust—things I have never really dealt with or tried to explain or just vomited out words and thoughts about. It is very random, it is very personal, it is very messy, but it is a lot more honest than I have been about this topic in the past.
Low-Die the mini-series--Chapter Four
PART FOUR: AND ON THAT DAY, GOD SAID: “LET THERE BY AIR CONDITIONING”, AND IT WAS GOOD
Like everyone else, I have good days and bad days. This morning it felt like a bad day. I was going to open an account at a local credit union, but I couldn’t deal with people so I went on a walk. I started this thing with the goal of not writing too much about my personal stuff and I am sticking to that,...
Sleepless. Recorded in our spare room in Phoenix...
Pioneers
We were two children lost in a dare
You wondering where we were going
Me knowing we’ll get there
Because when I see you still or in motion
Nothing is beyond me
I am a kiss away from madness
I am drunk on possibility
You fear that we’re lost
But maybe we’re pioneers
And we’ll discover something no one’s ever seen
We’ll discover something
You and me
...
“My brain is always in projectile vomit mode creativity wise, kind of like a less...”
– —sba
Low-Die the mini-series--Chapter Three
PART THREE: SOUNDS LIKE…A GERMAN INDUSTRIAL BAND
It is a beautiful late spring day when I leave the house. The trash and recycling cans are still on the curb. I have the one Rammstein song I know in my head because the agency I am going to sounds kind of like the name of that band.
It’s a bit over half a mile to where I am going but fortunately it is early enough in the day that the weather is...
Like Maniacs Out For Blood
It’s been over a year now
Since I embraced this foolishness
A wonderful stupid sinful vision
You and I mired in a kiss
Fumbling into a passion
Like maniacs out for blood
Oh, but I can keep a straight face
I can hold back a flood
This is not the time for revelations
No, the wind is way too high
And whomever it is you are seeking
Well, we both know it isn’t I
I am not one...
“Murder me baby,your words bring an ice age. Murder me, darling; put a pen to...”
– —Picture Perfect
Picture Perfect Very loose. I recorded this in my...
Irish Skin (song lyric)
Baby, did I ever tell you you’re amazing? Maybe that’s a cliche I hope you can look the other way You know I’m crazy Even in your moments of weakness You strike at my defenses It’s a challenge to keep it secret Maybe I’m a half-wit I love your Irish skin The way it reflects the light I crave your Irish skin Like a diabetic craves insulin You sweep through...
“Because I believe that reaffirming this every couple of weeks is important: I...”
– —sba
Low-die the mini-series--Chapter Two: The canal,...
I love walking and hiking. I grew up, in part, out in the country and it has been a part of my life since I was a small child. Consequently, wherever I live I end up doing a lot of exploring on foot. Lodi is no different. If you don’t feel like exploring the small old town area, there are two places to go: The canal and the nature preserve.
The canal is in the western part of town and forms a...
Low-Die the mini-series--Chapter One: Faggot
PART ONE: FAGGOT
I got my first “faggot” today in years. I was walking to the store down Hutchins—
Faggot!
Five young guys in a fifteen-year-old Nissan Sentra, all of them in white shirts. It has probably been over ten years since a bunch of guys in a car yelled that at me—never happened in Sacramento or Portland or Phoenix, but it happened here, in Lodi.
They were stopped at a light. Most...
Hurt so Good: John Mellencamp's paean to man on...
John “Cougar” Mellencamp: Heartland rocker. Co-founder of Farm Aid. Painter. Father and grandfather. Proponent of man on man love? This side of Mr. Mellencamp has never been explored, but reading the lyrics to his classic song “Hurt So Good” it is clear such an examination may be overdue.
“Now that I’m gettin’ older, so much older, I long for those young boy days”
This line,...
Watch: Bill Moyers Discusses "Life on the Border"... →
Bill Moyer, always an amazing journalist. This is about life on the border of the United States and Mexico.
“After being in Portland and not having a car it’s not that big a deal as...”
– —sba
Big Star's Third: 'It's hard to nail the chaos' →
Good article on Big Star’s most compelling and hardest to listen to album
