My friends invited me out for a BBQ. They live in a newer housing development on the edge of a small town maybe thirty miles from here. Everyone else has their own house and jobs; they can go on vacations and buy “toys” and have recreational activities. I am sitting there listening and it would have been very easy to feel like a complete and utter failure. ”So, what do you do, Z?” Uh, I am between jobs. And living with my mother. It’s always tough, those situations. Intellectually, I understand there are losers in this economy and I am one of them and that’s the breaks. But then you see people who can get some upgrade on their car and go on a trip and buy a boat and you wonder why this economy spared them and not you.
This was at Jacque Bonet and her husband’s house. Jacque Bonet is the code name for a close friend who I may be in love with or may have a crush on or—who fucking knows. Her husband still wears his ring, she doesn’t. It’s irrelevant because I am not her type.
It’s a good thing I have a big cock otherwise I might get a bit depressed…
Was just curious if you were paying attention, apparently not ;-)
"I would like to show my appreciation for the men and women in the service, past and present, by doing my part to stop this crazy bullshit known as war for the sake of being at war. War is nothing more than a money making scam that far too many brave people have died for no reason but to line a bunch of people’s pockets. People are suckered into this concept of “patriotism” and that we are “under threat” and it’s all just a big, sad scam…"
— —sba
This is the requisite vomiting of the potentially boring but potentially interesting details of my life.
I am still in Lodi and living with my mother. Looking for work, struggling to contain my feelings for a friend of mine, the usual.
I am driving my ex-wife’s 25 year old BMW since she is in Kansas City. It has an overheating problem so I’m stuck round Lodi til I get it fixed.
I’ve been walking three plus miles a day and dancing about an hour. Since my mother has been round the house I’ve been sequestering myself in my room and working out the three songs I wrote for my above-mentioned friend. Writing these songs is helping me sort of exorcise my feelings for her. I really want to remain friends with her, but seeing as she has a lot going on (and I’m not her type), I have to contain my “feelings” for her or at least find an outlet. This is where songwriting comes in.
I had a clumsy accident a couple weeks back and wreaked my mother’s computer. So, until the new computer I bought for her arrives, I set mine up in the kitchen. Because of this, I have not be writing fiction. I can’t do it out here. Blogs, yes, books, no.
The woods seem cold and dark tonight
But the stars are bright
And you don’t want to go
Back to the place that doesn’t feel like home
I think we’re lost
No idea where we are
It’s 3 AM and you’re crying and there’s nothing I can do
I know it doesn’t matter
I’d fall off the edge of the world for you
The moon lights your driveway like a stage
And I don’t want to leave you, but I do anyway
I think we’re lost
No idea where we are
We’re both bare and broken hearts
And you’re as beautiful as the stars…
I sent my friend the email I mentioned earlier Friday night. I just wonder if she’s read it. I am scared of losing her as a friend, but I also know I had to be totally honest with her.
The funny thing is she is a Pisces just like Monica. Why do I continue to fall for these Pisces I shouldn’t fall for. Stupid stupid stupid. But, she may decide that she wants nothing to do with me so perhaps it doesn’t matter…
I sent an email to a female friend of mine last night. It was a hard email to write and harder to send, but I felt it had to be done. We’re buddies, we hang out, we have a good time. I have had feelings for her—(awful, dull term but it fits)—for over a year. She is separated from her husband and is looking to have a good time, meet guys etc. I am not her type, we have established that, it sucks, but that’s life. On Thursday we were at a bar and she was trying to connect with this guy and…I understood I can’t be there when that sort of thing is going on. It just is too much, I can’t handle it. I can’t be around that. So, I sent her an email saying that. I hope she can still be friends with me, I acknowledged over and over I know that’s “all” we are, which is fine with me, but I can’t be there when she is trying to meet guys. Now it is the usual thing of “Is that going to completely piss her off? Is she not going to want to spend time with me at all?” But in my heart I believe it had to be done. She needs to know so if we’re hanging out and that’s the next thing she plans on doing she can say “Hey, I am thinking of going to a bar and meeting someone” so I can say “Cool, hey, I think I’m going to call it a night.” And she’ll drop me off, and I’ll watch her drive away, and everything will be at least tolerable…
"It’s not easy being a shameless exhibitionist with a secret blog. I have to figure out how to promote it other than FB and Tumblr. It’s kind of a mess, an explosion of thoughts I have been keeping to myself since I was a teenager, but it’s interesting. Right now it’s still a train wreak, but I am sorting it out. It’s liberating, though, because it’s not just about sexuality and lust, it’s also about writing about people I have “feelings” for. Feelings is kind of a stupid way to put it, but not as melodramatic (and possibly inaccurate) as saying “in love with"
— —sba
